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BRYCE CONE (Frudo Buggins)
 may be small, but he’s…well, yeah, I guess he’s just mostly small. Sorry. Oh wait, I guess he’s acted in a bunch of movies and stuff like Bloodlines and Kill the Messenger. He also plays a ton o’ instruments too, from sax to mandolin to kazoo, which is probably why he’s now a music teacher at a middle school where he can promote this movie to scores of impressionable young minds. Mr. Cone currently resides in a large shoe box just south of the 20 bypass with his sweet as pie wife and plenty of tofu.
JIM HALL (Arogant the Wrangler)
 has a great voice! Wow, what an incredibly awesome radio voice! I just can’t get over his voice! Have you heard his voice? It rocks! Anyway…I guess he acts okay too and the long-haired wig and facial scruff actually seems to make him look…appealing! Well, not to me, but hopefully to chicks, who represent a small demographic of our film so ladies come check out this muscular macho hunkaroo! When he’s not busy checking out his own bod, Mr. Hall is an insurance guy and sometimes puts his communication degree to use by working on The Night Shift, a local PBS talk show.
HAM (James Flannery)
 is forever loved by all of us so much that we refuse to call him anything other than simply “Ham.” A consummate actor, the Actor-Formerly- Known-As-Flannery literally put on the flab of this endearing and obnoxious character. Unlike Sean Astin who packed on a gut for the role of Sam, this dedicated performer was all ready set from the get go! I think we gave him a complex though since I heard he lost 20 pounds during the making of the film… though maybe that was just the craft service. When he’s not busy doing a bad Cockney accent, Ham enjoys belly dancing (he's performed with the Sisters of the Nile Dance Troupe) and pursuing an exciting business degree.
SHAYNE GOLDEN (Legoblocks the Elfis)
 AKA Chickachicka Slim Shaney has been strumming
the guitar and scrunching his face as be belts out passionate vocals every since we’ve
known him. He got married to his lovely and understanding sweetheart during the shoot,
in spite of the fact he pranced around in white tights during the entire film. And I
can’t think of anyone that sports a poofy blonde mullet better. Before getting roped
into this film he played a spy in Kill the Messenger, where he got to die. In this
movie he only wishes he could…
DAVID KIEFER (Randolf the Wizard)
 should know better than to do this kind of
schlock…he’s a respectable veteran stage actor, for heaven’s sake! But fortunately
for us, he came back again to work with Richardson Productions, even though we
killed him off in Kill the Messenger in the first act. But hey, a finer Santa
Claus you will never find, my friend. He made it pretty damn easy on our overwhelmed
make-up department (wait….did we have one?) and he drove a golf cart like nobody’s
business. A side note…he’s not as old as he looks….he’s only 13…and a half.
SEAN McCORMICK (Gimpi the Dweeb)
 is yet another glutton for punishment who already
acted in Kill the Messenger like so many others. Except in that film he got to
beat people up. He did the same in this movie, just not on screen. Guess that’s
what a big ass itchy beard will do to a guy. And can we talk about sweat for a minute?
Boy oh boy…you’d think we’d have learned from the last shoot…but layer this man in a
tunic, a cape, and a buttload of hair and you’ve got one soaked gorilla. Hell, he
can take it, though. Afterall, he owns McCormick’s bar downtown so I’m sure he’s
used to the ripe stench of humanity.
CIRCUS-SZALEWSKI (Scrottum)
 has the silliest name in the universe, which alone
landed him this much sought-after role. We found it uncanny, if not totally useless,
that our Circus plays Scrottum while Andy Sirkis does Gollum in that other little
known trilogy. What the hell are the chances? I can’t knock Circus though…he’s a
hugely talented guy, despite being a very skinny one. An actor in commercials and
films in Chicago, he is a master of voices, the duke of disguises, and the veteran
of Vegans. Always dedicated, always charming, and always willing to pay for his
own train ticket. He’s the best, man.
VICTORIA FLORO (Femowen)
 was a tough cookie on set by going without such amenities such as a dressing room, heat or a real working toilet. She has been in several independent Chicago films and theatre productions, including the lead in the movie Real Funny. Victoria incorporated Red Door Productions, Ltd and is working on her short film Swinging Ben. Look for her taking off her leather armor in an upcoming spread in Playdork very soon…but only in the dreams of a certain lead artist and Assistant Director…they know who they are.
JESSE LIMON (Boredandqueer)
 is a real nut job. A businessman/jackass, he really kept everyone entertained on the set with his sexy Latino accent and flared hip huggers. When he’s not busy attending college and running his own E-bay shop, he demonstrates his machismo by beating off drooling fans with the ancient art of Brazilian jiu-jitsu. The lady of his life and his two children are quite proud.
MELISSA HARRIS (Gladwrapriel)
 may play the queen of the mighty food storage empire
but is very much the vegan beauty she is on the big screen. To her community, her
face may seem familiar as TV screens have been lucky to see her pretty smile on
various local commercials. When she is not acting, Melissa is in hot pursuit of
knowledge of the English language with a B.A at Indiana University. In her spare
time, she entertains the masses with her trusty banjo and delightful flute. To the
disappointment of single vegetarians, dweebs, dorks, and human men everywhere, she
is betrothed and plans to marry her handsome prince in the spring of 2005.
KAY ELLER (Martha the Stewart)
 is nothing like the "witchy woman" she portrays in the
film. She may actually be the kindest person you could ever meet. Besides her passion
for Jimmy Buffet, she has the ability to wear many production hats. Her hat collection
includes cast directing to location scout. She has also been spotted on stage in To
Kill a Mockingbird and The Jury and also in two other independent films, Teenage Bikini
Vampire and Infidel. When she's not on set, you'll find her hitting the books at
Southwestern Michigan College.
APOLLO BACALA (Sweetandsourman)
 besides sharing the name of a Greek god, this fine actor can even put the fear in Donald Trump with his own version of "You're fired!" His extensive stage experience spreads across two states but his acting has landed him from TV commercials, to independent films such as After the Big One, Unforeseen Circumstances, and Losers Lounge, to the bright lights as an extra in such Hollywood features such as, The Insider and Eight Men Out. This trained dancer and Dr. Evil wanna-be can be seen flailing legs, giving his enemies purely evil facial contortions, and cooking a tasty--yet nasty--Spork army.
STEVE CHRISTOPHER (Abscond)
 is a hilarious and lovable hunka hunka burnin’ thespian. He’s has quite a few independent film roles and I think half of them were in this movie! Some of his non-Dork credits include Welcome to Cooksville, The Stones of Power, Fake ID, A Friendly Negotiation and Confederate Zombie Massacre. Even though Steve lives three hours away, he just couldn’t get enough of us and kept driving back up, even to do a public appearance as a Nosedrool in exchange for a lousy slice of cold veggie pizza. Now that’s dedication
GARY JOY (Bobo Buggins)
 is a Joy to work with, whether we like it or not. A master of voices and the founder of CreatiVoice, he’s a quite a busy little bugger! He’s done a lot of work in radio, video, CD Roms and games and is happy as long as he doesn’t have to wear those damn Throbbit shoes. His versatility in facial expressions will frighten and entertain audiences of all ages…and IQ levels.
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